Whiskers & Purrs

A statement from Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

Dearest peoples on the innernets,

This is Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III speakin'.  Yesterday I suffered what the doctors said was a severe Booger Attack. I had to spend the day in the hospital havin' all my stuff poked and squeezed and squished.  

All of that pokin' and squeezin' and squishin' must've doned some good 'cause I am safely home now, restin' and startin' to feel a little bit betters.  I actually feel good enough to play a little bits...I'm playin' a real fun game of tryin' to chew mommy's big toe offs!  Now, I gots to take my antibiotic pill and a pill that is helpin' to clear all the remainin' boogers outs of my head every day for the next week. The doctor says that as long a I do that, I will skeer them awful booger away for goods.  

I want to thank everybody for the prayers you said for me yesterday.  As far as I am concerned, I gots the best peoples in the whole dang world!

Very truly yours,

Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

BREAKIN' NEWS! Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III admitted to the hospitals!

RICHMOND, Virginia (Cat News Network) - The Cat News Network has received reports that Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III was rushed to the hospital this morning for an undisclosed illness.  Sources inside the Whiskers & Purrs House who asked to be kept anonymous stated that the Senator suffered a sudden Booger Attack.  "It was the dangedest thing ever...there was boogers EVERYWHERES...it looked like a booger massacre in our house this mornin'," stated an unidentified member of the famous Whiskers & Purrs Gang.  

CNN contacted Dr. Sanjay Gupta to learn more about what an actual Booger Attack is..."Booger Attacks can be deadly...especially when they are sudden.  It sounds as though the Senator's attack was caught early enough for him to get effective treatment."

No information has been released on the Senator's condition. The Cat News Network will keep you up to date on these rapidly changing events as we receive new information.  Stay tuned for more breaking news.

Wordless Wednesday

BREAKIN' NEWS!

RICHMOND, Virginia -- Reports of a hostage situation that occurred overnight in the Whiskers & Purrs House have been surfacing on the internet.  Details are sketchy at this time because calls to the W&P House have not been returned.  Sources have confirmed that Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III (D-VA) was held against his will in the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink.  He was released at around 7:00 AM on Sunday.  No injuries have been reported.

A source inside the Whiskers & Purrs compound requesting to be kept anonymous stated "Last night mommy was cleanin' up the kitchen just before it was time to go make sleeps.  Jimmy Durante Graves III had sneaked into the cabinet unnerneath the sink.  Mommy made Jimmy git outs and then...she tied the door knobs shut so the doors couldn't be opened agains...then, when we all waked up after makin' sleeps this mornin', we could hear somebody barkin' like a seal.  Mommy went rushin' downstairs and, sure nuff, there was the Senator, locked inside the cabinet.  Mommy must've not knowed that he was in there when she locked it shut.  She wouldn't lock him in on purpose...well, at least I don't think she would...would she?"

No information has been released on the Senator's condition. He has cancelled his regularly scheduled posting of "Meet the Senator Sunday" for today.  No decision has been made regarding charges in the case. Stay tuned for updates on this case and information on Breaking News.

Wordless Wednesday

The Senator Relaxes...

Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III comments on a burnin' issue

 

 

Dearest peoples on the innernets,

This is Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III speakin'.  I sure have missed all of ya'll  There's a reason we has been gone for so long...I can't tell you 'bout it right now...I think I will wait until Sunday to fill everybody in.  But I wanted to say "hello" to my faithful constichewents and let you know that I've missed you and, although I have been goned, I have continued to git my freak on and gettin' all of my senatatin' done.

I do wants to make a comment 'bout somethin' that has  been goin' on in the world today...I'm just 'bout fed up with this womans:

 

 

This is Dr. Laura Schlessinger...uhm...for some reason mommy always does a "wink wink" when she says the word "doktor" before this woman's name.  Now I gots two things I wants to say.

First of all, Dr. "Wink Wink" Schlessinger, JUST SHUT UP AND PLEASE GO AWAY...FAR FAR FAR AWAYS!

Secondly, my mommy agrees with me and cannot STAND to see, hear or read anything 'bout this obnoxious bean.  But even though mommy cannot stand her, every day on the way home from work she listens to this hateful old hag's radio show...and all the time mommy listens, she gits madderer and madderer and madderer...While she's drivin', mommy talks back to the radio and tells Dr. "Wink Wink" Schlessinger to "shut up" and calls her a "*&#@ #$%^&"...so by the time mommy gits home to love and serve all of us in the Whiskers & Purrs Gang, she's all cranky and mean and hatefuls.  Mommy, we have already established the fact that you cannot stand Dr. Wink Wink's guts...WHY DO YOU SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THIS DRIED UP OLD FREAK???  Stop it!  You're ruinin' our childhood 'cause you come home so mean and mad and cranky!  Stop it!  Stop it! Stop it!

And so, dearest peoples on the innernets, I will close by sayin' again that I loves you all and hope you all have a good Friday!

Very truly yours,

Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III
(D-Virginia) 

Happy Birthday, Mr. Senator!

Dearest peoples on the innernets, 

This is Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III speakin'.  Today is my 6th birthday!!!  PARTAY in the Whiskers & Purrs House!!!  Now I want to say right now that the phone has been ringin' off the hook and emails have been flyin' in and cards and letters...all from the womens in the world wantin' to git their freak on with me as I celebrate my big day.  Peoples, I gots to be careful how I conduct myself in public, what with me bein' a big powerful and influential Senator and all.  So, just to be carefuls, I'm gonna git my freak on in private right here at the Whiskers & Purrs House where it's safe and papparrazzi-free.  So all the womenses that wants to PARTAY, just come on over to the W&P house tonight...just don't bring no cameras or nothin'.  Now ladies, you will have to be patient 'cause the wait to git into the partay will be long but it will be worth it!  Just be patient 'cause there's plenty of lovin' from the Senator to share with all the womenses in the world.

See y'all later today!

Very truly yours,
Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

A message for Mommy Jenny from Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

Dearest mommy,

I am sorry I hurted your ear.  I didn't mean to do it.  I knows you are very real mads at me.  I know my big, high-powered attorney, Boob Boobonivich, says I ain't supposed to say nothin' 'bout the unfortunate incident but I just can't stand to have you mads at me.  If you will just forgive me, I promise to use litter box every single day in 2010 and never ever pee in the floor agains.

I'm sorry, mommy.  I love you.

Very truly yours,
Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

BREAKING NEWS: Virginia Senator arrested for domestic violence-related incident

RICHMOND, Virginia (Cat News Network) -- The Cat News Network has just confirmed that Virginia Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III (D-VA) has been arrested on assualt charges stemming from a domestic violence-related incident that occurred today in his primary residence, The Whiskers & Purrs House, located in Richmond, Virginia. 

Details of the incident are still being clarified.  It has been confirmed that the Senator's mommy, Mommy Jenny, had traveled home after a long week of moving her mom and dad into a new house far, far away.  While Mommy Jenny was checking her normally boring Facebook page, the Senator decided to sit down in the most coveted spot in the house - on the back of her desk chair.  At the same time, the Senator's baby sister, Mazie Grace, decided that she wanted to sit on the back of the desk chair, too.  Unfortunately, Mazie Grace is blind-as-a-bat and was not aware that the Senator had already called "dibs" on the spot. 

What happened next is still a bit sketchy but, we have confirmed that when Mazie Grace jumped onto the back of the chair, the Senator began barking like a seal, leading some to suspect nip intoxication.  Toxicology test results are currently pending.  After barking like a seal, the Senator began to swing his left front paw wildly.  Although he missed Mazie Grace by a mile, he nailed his mommy smack-dab in the ear.  All of his claws hooked onto Mommy Jenny's ear.  The Senator then began to pull his paw away which caused his mommy's ear to rip.  As you might imagine, Mommy Jenny cussed like a sailor as she realized that the Senator had almost ripped her ear off...(okay, the cussing like the sailor part is true.  The "almost ripped her ear off" part is for dramatic effect.)

Mommy Jenny took herself to the nearest Patient First clinic because she was afraid of infection and...it was bleeding like a son-of-a-gun and she wasn't sure if she needed stitches.  She has now returned home, stitchless but with antibiotics, and is resting comfortably.

The Senator is currently being detained in the spare bedroom until he learns his lesson.  No court date has been set.  The Cat News Network will keep you up to date on these rapidly changing events as we receive new information.  Stay tuned for more breaking news.

A message for Sarah Palin from Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

Dearest Sarah Palin,

This is Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III speakin'.  I am mad...DANG mad at you...you stoled my idea!  I have writed me a book called "Goin' on the Rug" and was already to release it just in time to make billions and gajillions of dollars durin' the Christmas season and, low and behold...what did I just discover on Amazon.com???  THIS:

PUHLEEZ!  You make me want to make vomit...and not for the same reason you make mommy want to make vomits...now I know that some of our readers think you are the best thing since sliced breads...I ain't gonna tell you how goofy I think you are 'cause I don't wanna make any of our peoples on the innernets mad.  But I am gonna tell you that I had this idea FIRST!  I've been goin' on the rug for like maybe my whole life!  You is 'fringin' on my intellekchewal property, Sarah Palin.  That ain't right...I'm a Senator...that trumps a Quitter Governor any day of the week.

Why don't you just go back to 'Laska and keep an eye on Russia for us, Sarah, and quit pleggerizin' my ideas...

Very truly yours,
Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III