Dear Everybody on the Innernets,
This is Mazie Grace a speakin'. It has been a long long time since we have writed anything for this here blog. We has been goin' through some real awful stuff. See, we realized that our mommy is not only a bad mommy but she also is a murdererer...or at least she's a tryin' to be one. And...the people she's a tryin' to murdererer is US! It's just awful.
See...it started back on Thanksgivin'...she knowed she had to fix us a big dead bird for supper so she said she had to clean out the oven. She went to the store and buyed somethin' called "Easy Off Oven Cleaner"...let's just say it should be called "Easy To Kill Your Precious Little Adorable Cats Oven Cleaner" 'cause she used it and the next day poor little Fergie waked up and couldn't breathe...I mean, she didn't have no boogers in her nose or nothin'...she just couldn't git air into her lungs. So, mommy had to take her to the vetroregurgitarian real fast. They gived Fergie a shot of somethin' called a steroid and put her in a special cage that had oxygen pumped into it. Aunt Doktor Dugan and Unkle Doktor Moon said Fergie had somethin' called "asthma"...I think that means "a mommy that is trying to kill you". So now, Fergie's gotta use somethin' called an "Inhaler". You can read 'bout it on this here web site: Aerokat It's all mommy's fault. Since Fergie is on steroids, we is watchin' her real close to see if she's a gonna lose her girly-girl figure and start lookin' like Hulk Hogan.
Then, if that ain't bad 'nough, one night this week mommy was a walkin' through the house. Now you must remember that I am what is called "blind as a bat". I can't see nothin' so I should git the right of way wherever I am, right? So mommy was a walkin' and I decided to dart unnerneath her feets...I gots the right to do that, ya know, 'cause I own this house and everything in it includin' mommy. Well, when I runned unnerneath her feets, she tripped and aktually had the nerve to STEP ON MY HEAD...I mean to tell you she stepped REAL HARD ON MY HEAD with her big feets that had shoes on 'em! She yelled real loud "OH LORD, I HAVE KILLEDEDED MAZIE GRACE!" I thinked to myself..."oh Lord, I have been kildededed." I ain't real sure what that meaned but it didn't sound good. It sorta knocked me silly...I aktually walked around in a big circle for 'bout 3 minutes...mommy thought maybe my brains had started to ooze out or somethin'. All I knowed was that I was gonna stay 'way from mommy and her big boxy feets!
So, life ain't been so good in our house. We gots to figure out what to do 'bout mommy. We is gonna take a vote and decide whether to kick her outta the house. Please pray for us that she don't try to kill nobody else.
Very truly yours,
Mazie Grace
