FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
RICHMOND, Virginia - The office of Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III is issuing the following statement regarding a recently diagnosed health condition:
"During a recent routine annual physical examination, the new veterinarian for the Whiskers & Purrs Gang evaluated Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III for the constant runny drippy eye condition he has had his entire life. After running tests, it was determined that Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III suffers what appears to be ocular herpes. After receiving the diagnosis, the Senator and his mommy went to the grocery store. As the Senator's mommy was in the check-out line, she was surrounded by the National Enquirer, People Magazine and other tabloids. This prompted the Senator to speak out on his own behalf to take control of the message. "Yes, I gots me the herpes. BUT...I wants to make it very real clear that it's eyeball herpes and not the other skanky kind," said Senator Graves. "Now it ain't no secret that I like me the womenses. But you don't git the eyeball kind of herpes by enjoyin' the company of the ladies. If you did, there'd be a global epidemic of eyeball herpes goin' 'rounds. I'm just a red blooded feline American boy that enjoys the ladies and just happens to have runny goopy eyeballs. I'mma be alrights...and will continue bein' the hard workin' US Senator from the grate Commonewealth of Virginia that you all have come to love and respects."
The Senator's health will continue to be monitored and there will be no changes to his official calendar. He plans to continue senatatin' and admiring the ladies for many years to come.
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