Dear Miss Patti Stanger,
This is Fergie speakin'. Me, mommy and all the girls in the Whiskers & Purrs Gang love to watch you on TV every single week. The boys in the Gang don't care to watch so much...'cept for Henry...he likes to watch the Millionaire Matchmaker, but...well..he don't really count so much 'cause he ain't quite right in the head. I feel like us and you have gots lots in common...what with us bein' big national TV stars and all. I mean, shoot...I licked my stuff right with the camera smack-dab in front of me! I'm famous!
Like I said, we all love your show. I wouldn't mind havin' me a Millionaire Man. I mean...as long as he spends some of that money on Temptations and Nip. But, I ain't innerested in bein' a baby-maker. I have my very-special-place operation so...ain't no babies happenin' with me.
I'm just a little bit confused, though, Miss Patti. I ain't so sure you would let me in the Club...'cause, well...Miss Patti...I'm a little bit on the chubby side...Plus...we watched last week's show and I kinda got my feelin' hurt a little bit. If you go to the 3:58 mark...you'll see that you said you hate redheads...
Miss Patti, I'mma redhead...do you not think I could git me a boyfriend or a Millionaire 'cause I'mma redhead?
And then...you said somethin' real weird here:
Miss Patti, what'sa Fire Crotch? I ain't sure if I am one or not. I do not think that weirdo woman named "Rayne" is a good exzample of us redheaded girls...please don't hate me and all the other redheads in the world just 'cause of her.
If you run into any Millionaires that want to spend the rest of their lifes with a sweet girl that's famous and ain't afraid to lick her stuff on national television, please send 'em my way, 'kay?
Very truly yours,
Fergie
