Dearest James Bond,
Today you made our mommy cry. It is the second time you have made her cry. The first time was her own fault. But today was not. See, when mommy went to git the leaf blower outta the storage shed this afternoon, she didn't know you was hidin' in there. She was just as freaked out as you was when she saw you. She didn't know whether to try to git you or just leave you alone. She thought she might as well try to git you to go into the trap. When you runned and almost knocked her over as you got outta the shed, it made her so sad and that's why she cried. She knows you is skeert and just tryin' to stay alive.
Now James Bond, we need you to listen up and listen good. We ain't gonna say this more than once. Mommy is tryin' to help you. She ain't tryin' to cook you up for Sunday dinner. She wants to make sure you is okay and have a good home with lots of love, Fancy Feast and a safe place to sleep. Right now your life is hard...real hard. It could be so much better if you'd just cooperate. We unnerstand how skeert you are...every single one of us in the Whiskers & Purrs Gang has been in your shoes.
Please just try to trust...even just a little teensy tiny bit...your life will change in lots of wonnerful ways if you will just let mommy help you. And, we don't wanna git ugly or nothin' but...DO NOT MAKE OUR MOMMY CRY NO MORES! We ain't kiddin' on that one, James Bond. It ain't right for you to upset our mommy so much.
Very truly yours,
The Whiskers & Purrs Gang
