To all the peoples on the innernets,
This is Buzzy Randolph Graves III speakin'. Thanks for all them comments and emails that I gotted yesterday askin' why I is upset. Lotsa y'all tried to guess...but nobody got it right. No, I ain't hurt 'cause I hadta go to the vetroregurgitarian. And, I ain't mad 'cause I had to git some stuff shaved or nothin'...it's far worser than any of that.
See, Saturday night I just needed to have a little time to myself. I was tired of all them other cats lovin' on me and tryin' to git all up into my business. So, I went into the den where mommy has her desk and pooter. I crawled up into her chair and went sound sound SOUND asleep. It was so nice...just to be by myself and snoozin'. What happened next was just a big ol' blurry mess...I think I remember hearin' mommy git up 'round 4:00. Who knows why she gotted up...she came stumblin' into the den where I was snoozin'. She didn't turn the lights on...just came over to the pooter to check her email. All I remember is openin' my eyes and seein' her big ol' behind comin' straight towards me! She didn't see me sittin' in her chair!!!
I swear I ain't never been so skeerd in my life. When I saw that big ol' butt comin' straight toward me...my life flashed before my eyes. I knowed I was a goner. When she realized she was 'bout to sit on me, she nearly falled into the floor tryin' to avoid it. It was too late...she nearly killeded me. I swear, I think my gizzard is squished. Of course, she picked me up and kissed me and told me how sorry she was...I ain't sure if I'm gonna forgive her or not...only time will tell.
Very truly yours,
Buzzy Randolph Graves III