Whiskers & Purrs

Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III issues an official statement regarding his health

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

RICHMOND, Virginia - The office of Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III is issuing the following statement regarding a recently diagnosed health condition:

"During a recent routine annual physical examination, the new veterinarian for the Whiskers & Purrs Gang evaluated Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III for the constant runny drippy eye condition he has had his entire life.  After running tests, it was determined that Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III suffers what appears to be ocular herpes.  After receiving the diagnosis, the Senator and his mommy went to the grocery store.  As the Senator's mommy was in the check-out line, she was surrounded by the National Enquirer, People Magazine and other tabloids.  This prompted the Senator to speak out on his own behalf to take control of the message.  "Yes, I gots me the herpes.  BUT...I wants to make it very real clear that it's eyeball herpes and not the other skanky kind," said Senator Graves.  "Now it ain't no secret that I like me the womenses.  But you don't git the eyeball kind of herpes by enjoyin' the company of the ladies.  If you did, there'd be a global epidemic of eyeball herpes goin' 'rounds.  I'm just a red blooded feline American boy that enjoys the ladies and just happens to have runny goopy eyeballs.  I'mma be alrights...and will continue bein' the hard workin' US Senator from the grate Commonewealth of Virginia that you all have come to love and respects."

The Senator's health will continue to be monitored and there will be no changes to his official calendar.  He plans to continue senatatin' and admiring the ladies for many years to come.

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Flashback Friday: BREAKING NEWS - Virginia Senator arrested for domestic violence-related incident

Originally posted on December 26, 2009

RICHMOND, Virginia (Cat News Network) -- The Cat News Network has just confirmed that Virginia Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III (D-VA) has been arrested on assualt charges stemming from a domestic violence-related incident that occurred today in his primary residence, The Whiskers & Purrs House, located in Richmond, Virginia. 

Details of the incident are still being clarified.  It has been confirmed that the Senator's mommy, Mommy Jenny, had traveled home after a long week of moving her mom and dad into a new house far, far away.  While Mommy Jenny was checking her normally boring Facebook page, the Senator decided to sit down in the most coveted spot in the house - on the back of her desk chair.  At the same time, the Senator's baby sister, Mazie Grace, decided that she wanted to sit on the back of the desk chair, too.  Unfortunately, Mazie Grace is blind-as-a-bat and was not aware that the Senator had already called "dibs" on the spot. 

What happened next is still a bit sketchy but, we have confirmed that when Mazie Grace jumped onto the back of the chair, the Senator began barking like a seal, leading some to suspect nip intoxication.  Toxicology test results are currently pending.  After barking like a seal, the Senator began to swing his left front paw wildly.  Although he missed Mazie Grace by a mile, he nailed his mommy smack-dab in the ear.  All of his claws hooked onto Mommy Jenny's ear.  The Senator then began to pull his paw away which caused his mommy's ear to rip.  As you might imagine, Mommy Jenny cussed like a sailor as she realized that the Senator had almost ripped her ear off...(okay, the cussing like the sailor part is true.  The "almost ripped her ear off" part is for dramatic effect.)

Mommy Jenny took herself to the nearest Patient First clinic because she was afraid of infection and...it was bleeding like a son-of-a-gun and she wasn't sure if she needed stitches.  She has now returned home, stitchless but with antibiotics, and is resting comfortably.

The Senator is currently being detained in the spare bedroom until he learns his lesson.  No court date has been set.  The Cat News Network will keep you up to date on these rapidly changing events as we receive new information.  Stay tuned for more breaking news.

 

Breaking News: Mr. North Korea...I told you so!

 

Dearest peoples on the innernets,

This is Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III speakin'.  I know this is usually Mazie Monday day but...ain't y'all 'bout tired of hearin' 'bout Mazie?  I think you need a break.  I'm sure by now you has heard that the North Korea dude named Kim Jong Il has up and died "due to overworks"...that's us politician language for "he got tired of sittin' on his fanny doin' evil stuff so he up and dieds".  He was a bad bad mans that just happened to have a girls name.

Back in June 2009, I did my first ever "Meet the Senator Sunday" and it focused on Mr. Il himselfs.  I thought it would be fittin' for us to rerun that edition of my very important segment.  See...he shoulda listened to me...he would probably be alives today if he would've just straightened up and flied rights. Oh well...there's one less bad man in the world today. 

So...without further adooose, here's my first ever Meet the Senator Sunday tellin' Mr. Kim Jong Il what I think 'bout him.

Very truly yours,
Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

 

June 14, 2009

Dearest peoples on the Innernets,

I am proud to announce that from now on, every Sunday we will have "Meet The Senator Sunday" at the Whiskers and Purrs House. Just like the beans do on Sundays with Face the Nation and Meet the Press, we will have innalekchewal comments from me 'bout serious topics of the day. We will remind everybody on Friday's to send us your questions and topics. We will try to answer 'em on Sunday.

Here's the first topic for Meet the Senator Sunday:

Dearest Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III,
What is goin' on with North Korea? Why are they makin' bombs and stuff?
Very truly yours,
Anonymous

My dear Anonymous, I do not know what is goin' on with North Korea. First of all, we live on the West end of Richmond. Is North Korea close to us? I sure hope not!

I will say that I think that mean ol' Kim Jong Il...uhm...dude, you have a girl's name...is very means and not nearly as handsome as me. Now, in his defense, he cannot help the fact that he is very ugly, but...I have just a few words for him.

Dear Mr. Il,

Why are you so mean? Did your mommy not raise you right? You better be glads you don't live in the Whiskers & Purrs House! My mommy says that you have to play nice with people and not be mean. She says you need a time out in the bathroom with the door closed all by yourself so you can think 'bout all them mean things you do every day...what with all them nuclear bombs you're testin' and all. No Temptations for you, Mister, until you straighten up and fly right!
Very truly yours,
Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

And so, my dearest friends on the innernets, there you have it. Our first ever "Meet the Senator Sunday" and my thoughts on North Korea.

Very truly yours,
Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

 

The Senator Says A Prayer

We innerupt today's "Meet the Senator Sunday" post for the Senator to say a prayer.

Dearest God,
On Monday night, you decided it was time for our gentle Jimmy Durante Graves III to come live with you. We knows he is in good hands now but, God...we sure do miss him. We wanted to do a memorial post for him today but we was all just too sads...mommy can't stop cryin' when she thinks 'bout Jimmy and how much she misses and loves him.

God, we sure would appreciate it if you could give Jimmy a message for us...can you tell him that we love him and always will...and that we is so sorry he had to leave us. Please tell him that we miss his soft headbutts and all them wonnerful baths he would give each of us all the times. Mommy misses how he would come and lick the juice off of all the Fancy Feast as she would open up each can...she misses watchin' him sleeps and smilin' at how much he enjoyed takin' his wonnerful day-long naps...be sure to tell him that mommy is just busted up 'cause she feels like she must've missed some sign that he was sick...and if that was the case, that it wasn't 'cause she didn't love him...it was 'cause she just has too much stuff goin' on in tryin' to take care of her parents and sick aunt.

Oh, and God? Please tell him that as far as we is concerned, he is right here with us and always will be...it's just that we can't see him. Please let him be our very special angel to watch over us and help us git through each day. And tell him to wait for us along with Ricky, Lucy and Felix...we will all be together again one day.

Thank you, God.

Very truly yours,
Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

Thankful Thursday

Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

Dearest peoples on the innernets,

This is Elsie Fallulah Graves speakin'...we are tryin' to feel betters since our little brother, Jimmy Durante Graves III passed away on Monday nights. It sure is hard...we love him so much...and always will. But, today we is gonna focus on what we is thankful for...

Today we are thankful that the media ain't found this here picture of Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III...if they ever git their mitts on it, there will be all kinds of drama, Senate 'vestigations, conspiracy theories and gossip column stuff writed.

We love our Senator...but sometimes...he just ain't right.

Very truly yours,

Miss Elsie Fallulah Graves
Top Cat
The Whiskers & Purrs Gang

Flashback Friday: BREAKING NEWS...The Senator actually uses the litterbox

RICHMOND, Virginia (Cat News Network) -- The Cat News Network (CNN) has just received breaking news that Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III (D-VA) has actually used the litterbox instead of taking a whizz on the floor.  An unnamed source inside the Whiskers & Purrs House told CNN "Dang...I've lived here since December and I ain't never seen Henry use the litter box.  He usually just let's 'er rip wherever he is and mommy hasta come clean it up.  Dang...this has me a little spooked!  Maybe the world is gonna end...I'm skeert!"

Local papparrazzi caught Graves in the litter box around 3:45 pm.  Upon realizing he was being photographed, the Senator high-tailed it out of the box as fast as he could.

Graves has a long history of battling his mommy regarding litterbox issues.  Stating that he prefers to "do my thinkin' outsida the box", Graves has found very creative avenues to express himself: mommy's pillow, mommy's clothes, the water bowl, the bottom of the stairs, smack-dab in front of the door, etc. 

Today's development in the bathroom habits of the Senator could signal a change in his policy and possibly a switch in parties.  CNN will keep you up to date on these rapidly changing events as we receive new information.  Stay tuned for more breaking news.

Happy 7th Birthday, Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III!

Dearest peoples on the innernets,

This is Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III speakin' and...TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!  WOOHOO!  Because I am such a high-powered and inflewinchal Senator, I'm gonna declare that everybody on the innernets will join me in gittin' their partay on and fire up Peaches & Herb and shake their groove thangs all day longs!  

And, while you're at it, sniff some nips, eat some Fancy Feets & Temptations and have your beans scratch your stuff.  It's gonna be a wild day on the innernets as we celebrate the wonnerful birth of ME!

Have a rockin' good time and partay like the rockstars you are!

Very truly yours,
Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III 

BREAKING NEWS: Virginia Senator rushed to hospital

RICHMOND, Virginia (Cat News Network) - The Cat News Network has received numerous reports that Virginia Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III (D-VA) was once again rushed to the hospital this morning for an undisclosed illness. It is unclear as to the nature of the Senator's illness.

On Friday, February 4th, the Senator was rushed in the early morning to the emergency room for what was reported to be a severe Booger Attack.  After receiving appropriate treatment, Senator Graves was released later in the day and returned to the Whiskers & Purrs House where he was cared for by his mommy.

However, complications seemed to have developed over the weekend which led the Senator to return to Gayton Animal Hospital by way of Mommy Ambulance early Monday morning.  

No further information is available at this time. Please stay tuned for further details.

 

 

A statement from Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

Dearest peoples on the innernets,

This is Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III speakin'.  Yesterday I suffered what the doctors said was a severe Booger Attack. I had to spend the day in the hospital havin' all my stuff poked and squeezed and squished.  

All of that pokin' and squeezin' and squishin' must've doned some good 'cause I am safely home now, restin' and startin' to feel a little bit betters.  I actually feel good enough to play a little bits...I'm playin' a real fun game of tryin' to chew mommy's big toe offs!  Now, I gots to take my antibiotic pill and a pill that is helpin' to clear all the remainin' boogers outs of my head every day for the next week. The doctor says that as long a I do that, I will skeer them awful booger away for goods.  

I want to thank everybody for the prayers you said for me yesterday.  As far as I am concerned, I gots the best peoples in the whole dang world!

Very truly yours,

Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III

BREAKIN' NEWS! Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III admitted to the hospitals!

RICHMOND, Virginia (Cat News Network) - The Cat News Network has received reports that Senator Henry Jackson Edward Graves III was rushed to the hospital this morning for an undisclosed illness.  Sources inside the Whiskers & Purrs House who asked to be kept anonymous stated that the Senator suffered a sudden Booger Attack.  "It was the dangedest thing ever...there was boogers EVERYWHERES...it looked like a booger massacre in our house this mornin'," stated an unidentified member of the famous Whiskers & Purrs Gang.  

CNN contacted Dr. Sanjay Gupta to learn more about what an actual Booger Attack is..."Booger Attacks can be deadly...especially when they are sudden.  It sounds as though the Senator's attack was caught early enough for him to get effective treatment."

No information has been released on the Senator's condition. The Cat News Network will keep you up to date on these rapidly changing events as we receive new information.  Stay tuned for more breaking news.