Hi to all the peoples on the innernets. Uh...I'm a little worried 'bout somethin' and I ain't sure what I should do. See...I don't want to hurt nobody's feelin's or anything but...my name ain't Richie. When I first went to live at Aunt Doktor Dugan's office, all them peoples that work there thinked my name was "Sprout". I was just so happy to be on the inside and have lots of supper to eat so I wasn't gonna tell 'em that they had it all wrong.
Then...my new mommy decided to bring me home. I heard her tellin' Aunt Doktor Dugan that my name wasn't "Sprout"...I thinked to myself..."Oh thank goodness! Finally they'll git my name right." Then I heard my new mommy say "His name is Richie Burton Graves III." Well Lord Have Mercy! That ain't right either! I've been goin' along with it 'cause I'm skeered it will make mommy mad if I tell her she's gots it all wrong. What if she throws me outta the house? I mean, I'm already used to them 47 cans of Fancy Feast we git every day here...but remember, we DO NOT BUY THEM FROM UKROP'S...you can read all 'bout that here. I'm also real used to the tummy rubs, kisses, head butts and sweet talk I git pretty much 24 hours a day from my mommy. I don't wanna do nothin' to make her mad 'cause she just might stop all that good stuff from comin' my way!
But, see, I'm not a Sprout or a Richie. Them names just ain't me...they is borin'. I likes to dance...dance everywhere I go. My favorite step is to slide all the way 'cross the floor when I starts to runnin'. I can do that 'cause we gots floors that is made of wood. I git to dance and slide all day long. See, with all my dancin' abilities on top of the fact that I'm a very well-dressed, fancy lookin' little man, my name just can't be Sprout or Richie. My name is Freddy! Freddy Astaire Graves III!
I think I'm gonna tell mommy 'cause I just gots to be me. I heard her tellin' somebody on the phone yesterday that little people like us have a way of lettin' people know what their name is. Last night when she was dreamin', I started whisperin' in her ear that my real name is Freddy. I'm gonna have to keep it up 'cause I just ain't no Richie. Plus, I heard her tellin' somebody that every time she calls me Richie it makes her a little sad 'cause it reminds her of my big brother, Ricky. Ricky went to heaven a long time ago and mommy still misses him lots. And I don't wanna make my new mommy sad...it might stop her from givin' me my Fancy Feast and all them tummy rubs and kisses that I am now so very accustomed to.
So...from now on I wants the world to know that my name is Freddy. Three-Fingered Freddy Astaire Graves III.
Very truly yours,